From Friends to Enemies in just a Few Days

Believe it or not, this is my 100th post! And in honor of that, I'm going to vent a little about an experience that has stayed with me since it ended (hey, it's my blog, I'll do what I want!). About 3 years ago I agreed to room with a friend in an off-campus apartment the following fall. She had been having problems with her roommate and needed someone to take over the roommate's lease. I didn't see the harm and living off-campus sounded like fun. What was better was that the apartment was just across the street from campus, so this girl without a license or car could easily walk to class.

I moved in about a week before fall classes started, and things were fine for about a month. Then she told me that she was looking for an apartment for the next year because she's not much of a roommate person. I got a little upset about this and I guess it wasn't the reaction she was expecting. The next week or so was filled with an exchange of notes. That's right, notes, because my roommate communicated best through notes slipped under the door (according to her). She kept saying that it was her life and her business. I can't remember what I had said in return. Somehow, the topic progressed into her accusing me of being jealous not only of her and her boyfriend but also of all couples, and that I needed to get over it. Other than knowing that I've never been on a date, I don't know why she thought this.

At one point while on this topic, I brought up that I was concerned over how much of her free time was spent with her boyfriend and how little of it was spent on homework and her "me" time. The former I felt was important to her since her GPA was below the Ed department's required 3.0 and she was having trouble passing the entrance exams for the teacher certification program. Now, for those who don't know, I'm an extremely shy person who lacks in friendship skills, so what I learn about friends is more from realistic friendships on TV and in movies rather than from experience. And one thing I learned from these is that if you're worried about a friend, you voice your concerns to that friend. This is what I thought I was doing. Instead, I got chewed out and was told that he was her boyfriend and it was her life, meaning it was her business not mine. I think even then, before I've had all this time to think about it, my thought was: Well sorry for being a concerned friend! I think this was the main reason that after a week and a half, she told me that she no longer considered me a friend.

She also told me I needed to grow up and that if I couldn't figure out why, I wasn't mature enough (or something like that. I can't remember what she said I was if I couldn't figure it out). Finally she told me why: because I watched Disney Channel (which was weird since she watched Scooby-Doo in the mornings before class) and that I threw a fit every time something didn't go my way. As I thought about this, I realized it was partially true. I couldn't think of examples, though. I think it's part of my stubbornness, but at the same time, it doesn't happen as often as she implied. I'm no spoiled brat. If someone has a better idea than I do for something, I go with that person.

I think one of the biggest complaints she had about me was how well I cleaned. The Sunday after this whole thing started, she was going to be out. Since Sunday was the day she usually cleaned, I figured I'd clean the place and surprise her. WRONG! Instead, she criticized me (in a note, of course), on the bad job I'd done with my Swiffer Sweeper and Mr. Clean All-Purpose Spray. She also criticized my Pledge Dusting Cloths even though I didn't use those. I guess she was allergic to dust (among other things); however, she never told me, so I didn't feel the need to dust the place (it didn't look it, which is no excuse according to my grandma). I would have dusted if I had known because of how respectful I am (even though she never thought so - but more on that later). Needless to say, I was banned from cleaning the apartment, which she forgot in May and June and tried to guilt me into cleaning the apartment (I still cleaned the place, but not because I felt guilty about having not cleaned all year. It was her fault I hadn't helped her out). Later, in January, I returned from class one day to find all my cleaning supplies piled outside my door with a note taped to the door saying that since they were useless, she didn't want them taking up space in the storage closet.

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A few weeks after the original incident, she banned me from using her splatter cover for the microwave because I didn't wash it after every use, even if the only thing on it was steam. So I naively forgot about how it's OK to use paper towels in the microwave when I made some Spaghetti-O's. This was the day I discovered that they should put "Cover bowl" on the microwave directions on the can: sauce EVERYWHERE! I cleaned it up as best as I could, leaving two faint, tiny sauce stains on the walls. Later that day, I returned from class to find a note telling me I was no longer allowed to use my roommate's microwave, sit on her couch, watch her TV and movies, use her new DVD player (which she also told me how to use), eat her food, or use anything of hers (e.g. her towels, shampoo, soap, etc). Why she thought I would eat her food or use her stuff when I had my own is beyond me. Still, I thought it was a bit unfair of her to ban me from her microwave, couch, and TV (which I did use) when all I did was leave a couple barely-there stains. We were sharing the space after all.

I also found it interesting that she didn't want me touching her stuff and accused me of using her bar of soap (which was placed under the shower head: water on a bar of soap shrinks the bar, in case you didn't know. She sure didn't) and other shower items but she had no problem touching my stuff. The first time was when she moved my food in one cabinet from the middle shelf (that I could reach) to the top shelf (that I could almost reach). I tried to find out why she moved my stuff without my permission but I guess I wasn't clear enough because she wrote me a note saying that what she does with her stuff is her business (she had moved them to make room for some spices). The second time was when the nylon bathroom caddy I had had since freshmen year was giving her problems (she said she tripped over it in the shower though I never heard her. And it was moldy and mildewy, both of which she was allergic to). She asked me to get rid of it and I was going to when I had time. Instead of waiting for me, she emptied the thing and placed it outside my door. After she did, I peeked in the shower to see where she had placed everything so I knew where MY stuff was. I moved a couple bottles to a place that would make them easier for me to grab. I came home from class later that day to a note telling me to be RESPECTFUL and CONSIDERATE of others. It turns out the place I had moved the bottles to was where she put her shampoo and such when taking a bath or shower. HOW IN THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?????????? Did she seriously think that I spied on her while she showered or bathed? How gross if she did!

About a month before Valentine's Day, she wrote me a long note as to why she thought guys aren't romantically attracted to me. According to her, it's because my hygiene is bad and I don't smell nice. She made it sound like I shower once a week and don't put on deodorant. She also said that guys like girls who wear perfume (which is interesting since she had a bottle in the bathroom that she once told me she never used it). The way she worded this, though, is what pissed me off the most: she said "the reason." Not "a reason" or "one of the reasons," but "THE reason," as if she had approached every single guy who had ever been around me and asked them why they didn't want to ask me out on a date and they all gave the same answer. She also said it as if she was an expert on guys just because she had had a few boyfriends and been on a few dates. My first thought was: what about guys who try and pick up girls at the gym? They're smelly and sweaty, so according to my roommate, guys shouldn't be attracted to girls at the gym. She's definitely not one I was going to get dating advice from.

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The rest of the stuff is a bit easier to explain: when we were friends, she'd willingly give me rides and yet, when I was waiting for RideShare rides to pick me up to go home, she would say things like "That's why I have a car" or "That's why I have my license," as if she was trying to make me feel bad for not having a license; she was always asking me to get TP even though she constantly went to the store; she didn't believe me when I told her that the reason the toilet kept clogging up was because I've had chronic constipation since I was a toddler and even though I was on Amitiza, it didn't always work (her reason for the clogs? I used too much TP); she bought perfect gifts for her loved ones (even though her boyfriend is Jehovah's Witness and doesn't celebrate holidays) no matter the cost and made me suffer by downgrading the cable without talking to me; she pressured me to find her replacement for the lease because her parents could only help her and her boyfriend-turned-fiance out so much for their wedding, not caring that my funds were also limited; and she told me she didn't have time to take out the garbage even though I know she did (besides, she threw away most of her food, not that she'd admit it).

Throughout this whole ordeal, I often went to my mom for advice. She had lived in an apartment with roommates before; I had not. So she was the person I knew had experience and would know what to say. She tried to intervene once but it backfired: my roommate told me that I should not be talking to my mom and have my parents solve my problems because we are adults who can solve our own problems. Adults my ass. What kind of adult doesn't want to talk face-to-face about problems? What kind of adult makes other adults who are equal to him or her in status (as in, not boss or landlord or whatever) afraid to talk to him or her and stand up for themselves? Now, I don't really talk to others about problems I have with them, either, but I sure as hell don't voice these problems through notes! I just keep it to myself and eventually forget about it.

Two good things did come out of this whole situation:

1) Mr. Technology stood up for me. At least once he wanted to physically hurt her for what she was doing for me. He had never done it before nor has he done it since. But at least he did for a little while.

2) Remember that roommate who I replaced? She and I became friends. She e-mailed me in the middle of the year to ask me how I liked living off-campus. At first I ignored it because of what my roommate had said about her. But then I realized that she probably went through what I was going through; she was an ally, not the enemy. So I told her what happened and she told me about her experiences and what she had realized this girl was like. We've been friends ever since and even carpooled to student teaching. We have a lot in common, more than I originally thought.

That's about all I can remember. So if you skipped over the whole thing (I don't blame you - I would've done the same thing probably), here's the gist of it: I once lived with a girl who was disrespectful towards me, was very wasteful, and seemed to feel superior over me for some reason. This has made me paranoid about people's reactions to my suggestions, my voices of concern, or my actions and reactions because of how negative she responded to all of these. After winter break, I was very afraid to defend myself and fight back because of how she took things.

And if you did read the whole thing, bravo! You did better than I would have, and I typed this thing!

If I ever need to talk about her because of how paranoid I am, I will call her by a few different names: She-who-will-not-be-named, The Bitch (during the week), or The Witch (on Sundays). If I'm lucky, I'll never have to mention her. Those 9 months will probably live in my memory for years to come but I hope I begin to not be afraid of people's reactions again. That bitch scarred me for a looooooooong time, if not for life.

Thanks for letting me vent, even if it doesn't really look like venting. I just feel the need to talk about it often because of how much I was affected. It helped me realize that I'm also not a roommate person but to keep information like that FROM my roommate!

And sorry about the lack of pictures. I didn't really know what to put in.

Thanks for listening and Happy New Year!